Angered at being left out of the bailout bonanza, Congress has taken an unusual step to get in the payoff line with the introduction of H.R.1498. Titled the “Really Really Super Fair Distribution Act,” the RRSFDA would create a new congressional committee tasked with developing a formula that would determine the priority of financial assistance awards.

Because of their exemplary oversight of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, Rep. Barney Frank and Senator Chris Dodd were named as committee chairmen. Informally known as the Frankendodd committee, it was cobbled together from various members of Congress and suffers from massive size and abnormal actions. Only the intervention of Rep. Pich Forkk and Sen. Bernie Torches stopped the monster committee from wreaking havoc on the Congressional countryside.

The committee had already made it known that the first order of business will be to name Congress itself to the topmost priority on the list to receive funds. “It’s just downright un-American to bail out all of these failed industries when the 535 most important people on the planet are left scratching for their very existence,” complained Artesia Well, a spokeswoman for Rep. Frank.

Senator Dodd’s spokesman Al E. Gory concurred, “Taxpayers should be ashamed. We’re demeaning our congresspersons – the very best minds in the country – by forcing them to live on the meager stipends that they receive.” “How on earth can a congressperson be expected to survive on $174,000? Where would they be without tips?”

[Ed. Note: Remember to tip your congressperson]

With the rising cost of limo service, expensive restaurants, hotel luxury suites, and junkets to Hawaii or Europe, many of our representatives must either do without or secure additional campaign donations to fund these essentials. America’s ruling class shouldn’t have to demean themselves by flying coach or staying at ordinary, two-star hotels.

[Ed. Note: An informant known as “Deep Armpit” told Pesky Truth that three unnamed members were removed from committees when their names appeared on a Best Western mailing list. Two more were censured for eating at a Waffle House.]

“It’s no wonder that otherwise honest men and women must resort to creative financial mechanisms in order to make ends meet. It’s a national disgrace, and I hope that the country’s citizens realize that our Representatives and Senators are the very best men and women that the country has to offer; the royalty of the United States as it were. If not for their charitable benefactors (inaccurately called lobbyists), they’d all be on welfare and food stamps.”

Mr. Gory was quick to point out that Congress’ “income adjustment” was not a bailout, merely a long overdue salary adjustment. A Congressionally appointed task force studying Congressional pay determined that salaries should be brought into parity with entertainment celebrities and sports figures. The task force’s chairpersons, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and former Louisiana Representative William (cool cash) Jefferson were sympathetic to the needs of Congress and supported the income adjustment. Both are considered experts at creative funding sources.

Mr. Gory bristled at a question from a reporter when asked why the adjustment wouldn’t be classified as a bailout. He responded angrily, “A bailout is when taxpayers fund the rescue of a company that has proven that it cannot operate profitably. In the case of Congress, it can be shown that every action they’ve ever taken was done with profit as its primary intent.”

A survey taken the day after the congressional bailout plan was revealed shows Congress’ approval rating now hovering between 2 and 3 percent (3 % M.O.E.). When informed of the survey results, Senator Dodd commented off-the-record, “The public are smelly, misinformed, ignorant clods. They think that all we do is work a few months, give speeches, and travel the world on the taxpayer’s dime.” When challenged on that point by reporter Emma Lee LaTella, Sen. Dodd thought for a moment, grimaced, and mumbled “Nevermind.”

On a related note, the highly regarded, non partisan think tank, Lamé Thinking Ltd. just released findings of a study that tracks Congressional efficiency. Heso Lamé, the company’s CEO, stated that they found a direct correlation between congressional sessions and general government dysfunction.  “In other words, the country is better off when Congress is on vacation.” “We could assemble 535 second deputy assistant night managers from Dennys, IHOP, and Taco Bell and they’d do a better job.”

The study was referenced during a press conference called by a group formed to stop a congressional bailout. Angelena Jo Lee, the spokesperson for the group, stated the group’s dissatisfaction with Congress emphatically: “It’s time that they earned their income. We’re proposing that they be paid an hourly rate, something like $20-25 per hour, and if we like what they do, we’ll vote them a tip. The tip could be $1,000,000 or it could be $0, depending on the job they’ve done for the country.” “It’s time that we paid them what they’re worth.” “Accordingly, most of the current bunch wouldn’t crack $25,000.”

The press conference was disrupted when an angry Harry Reid authorized the release of the Congressional guard dogs. His stated intent was to “rid the Capitol grounds of smelly trespassers.” Oddly, the vicious dogs only attacked members of the press. It was later found that the journalists smelled “fishy,” causing the dogs to target them.

Pesky Truth has learned that the smell apparently resulted from the journalist’s part-time jobs wrapping fish in fish markets. It seems that many journalists have finally found a position where they’re able to leverage their job experience into additional income. For years, they’ve been providing fishy stories to a market whose capacity for logical reasoning was similar to that of a cod (never quite reaching halibut level). The articles always smelled fishy but the cod accepted them as truth.

Fish markets and pet stores are the last remaining purchasers of The New York Times, the Washington Post, and The Los Angeles Times newspapers. Appropriately, the New York Times changed its format to a handy 16 x 24 size to facilitate its use in bird cages. They’ve also changed their masthead logo to “All the News That’s Fit to Poop on.” Since the reformatting, circulation among bird owners has increased by 77 percent.